Thomas: Cousin Neville

Transcript
(The film opens in an unknown forest. A familiar beam of light shines down. The beam of light descends onto a trail. Lightning flashes to reveal Prince Charming riding his valiant steed across the open plains. The wind blows back his golden mane.)

Prince Charming: I'm here and ready to save the day. I give you...

Restrant Patrent: A head-ace? (laughs)

Prince Charming: I know when I'm not appreciated. (goes to his dressing room)

Prince Charming sits at his broken vanity and sobs. His make- shift dressing room is in an alley way next to the theater.

Horses whinny as a carriage passes by. The castle of Sodor can be seen on the hill in the background. Prince Charming breaks down and cries.

He looks up and sees a picture of the Fairy Gothelmother taped to the vanity. "Don’t stop believing! Mommy’s Little Angel" is written on the picture.

PRINCE CHARMING (HEAVY SOBS) Oh mommy.

He weeps again and then looks back at the picture. A determined change grows across his face.

PRINCE CHARMING Oh, you’re right. I can’t let this happen. I can’t.

Prince Charming looks at the castle on the hill. His expression hardens. He stands and faces the castle. He holds his chin up high.

PRINCE CHARMING I am the rightful King of Sodor and I promise you this mother. I will restore dignity to my throne!

A big gust of wind blows a newspaper page across his face. He peels it off and looks at the headline. His eyes tense and narrow.

PRINCE CHARMING (CONT’D) And this time, no one will stand in my way!

In the newspaper is a picture of the engines waving to a crowd.

Prince Charming crumples up the newspaper in his fists.

The camera booms down from the Sodor sign. The sun rises and the birds sing.

The sun shines through the bedroom window as the camera pans over to the engines waking up.

Thomas: Ah, it's going to be a beautiful day.

Sir Topham Hatt comes in.

Sir Topham Hatt: Good Morning, Engines. We have a busy day ahead of us. Then you can have a day off.

All the engines leave, except Henry.

Sir Topham Hatt: Henry, how come you didn't go with them?

Henry: Oh, I was just thinking about what I could do if I had a day off just like Thomas.

Sir Topham Hatt: Sure.

Henry: Hmm, what could I do if I had a day off?

Henry has a fantasy about dancing on the beach to "Good Vibrations" by The Beach Boys.

I'm picking up Good Vibrations, She's giving me excitations (oom bop bop)

Then an image of the hands of lord Finfwack, the main villain from the first film appears and Finfwack cackles evilly.

Henry: Huh? How did that get in there?

The camera pans down from a stained glass window. The song "Royal Pain" by the Eels plays in the background as the title: "Thomas: Cousin Neville" is superimposed.

A large crowd has gathered to watch the knighting. Thomas walks down the aisle of the church.

Thomas and the others officiate at a boat christening for the Royal Navy.

Thomas is holding a bottle of champagne. He leans on the boat, accidentally pushing it down the ramp. Thomas throws the bottle at the boat and it punches an enormous hole in the side of the hull. The boat quickly sinks.

Thomas turns to find the patrons of Sodor shaking their heads as they leave.

Raul, the make-up specialist, tightens some aprons around Thomas.

HENRY: Well, since you’re filling in for one, you might as well look like a real King. Can somebody come in here and work on Thomas please?

Raul stares at Thomas. Thomas raises his eyebrow.

RAUL (AHEM) I will see what I can do.

He unrolls a satchel full of different gardening tools.

Suddenly Thomas’s arms and legs are strapped into a chair.

A man stands with his back to the camera and pulls on a rip cord as if he’s holding a chain saw. VROOM! VROOM! He turns around to reveal a circular sander and starts to grind away at Thomas’s wheels. Thomas cringes.

We see a close-up of Thomas’s eye. A mascara brush comes into frame and pulls at Thomas’s eyelash.

Lipstick is applied to some lips. The camera pulls back to reveal that the lips are Thomas’s.

INT. BACKSTAGE - LATER

REVEAL: Thomas standing awkwardly in an outrageous Renaissance outfit.

Percy gasps.

HENRY: Oh!

James rolls his eyes.

JAMES: Yeah, wow. Okay peoples! This isn’t a rehearsal. Let’s see some hustle.

PERCY: Smiles everyone, smiles!

Off-screen, the Master of Ceremonies announces the couples arriving at the party.

Thomas lets out a huge breath of air.

THOMAS: Oh, my butt is itching up a storm and I can’t reach it in this monkey suit!

Gordon tries to scratch his butt but to no avail.

THOMAS Oh. (WHISTLE) Hey you. Come here!

A man holding a ruby scepter walks over to Shrek.

THOMAS: What’s your name?

FIDDLESWORTH: Eh, Fiddlesworth, sir.

THOMAS: Hoo hoo hooo. Perfect.

INT. BALLROOM - CONTINUOUS

The announcer introduces Thomas.

Thomas embarrassingly is show getting his back scratched.

THOMAS: Ooh, that's it. Get it right there.

SIR TOPHAM HATT: Um, Thomas? Thomas!

Thomas turns around embarrassed. He sighs and a button pops off his vest. It hits the top of a chandler knocking it to the floor.

Everyone runs around in a panic.

Later Thomas goes to his room.

THOMAS: That's it, we're leaving.

SIR TOPHAM HATT: Thomas, calm down.

THOMAS: Calm down? Who do you think we're kidding? I'm not cut out for this and I never will be.

SIR TOPHAM HATT: Look, soon things will go back to the way they used to be.

A man comes in.

THOMAS: Well somebody better be dying!

Later in the funeral room, King Don is on his death bed.

DON HATT: I'm dying!

AUDREY HATT: Donald?

DON HATT: Don't forget to pay the gardener, Audrey.

AUDREY HATT: Of course, dear.

DON HATT: Topham?

SIR TOPHAM HATT: Yes, dad?

DON HATT: I know I've made many mistakes with you.

SIR TOPHAM HATT: It's alright.

DON HATT: But you're love for the engines taught me so much.

Don turns to Thomas.

DON HATT: My dear boy, I'm proud to call you my grandson.

THOMAS: And I'm proud to call you my... Frog King Grandpa.

DON HATT: Now there is a matter of business to attend to. You and your brothers are next in line for the throne.

Prince Charming rides up to the Poison Apple Bar. Thomas: Cousin Neville - Final Screening Script 19.

INT. POISONED APPLE BAR - CONTINUOUS

Smoke wafts through the screen. The camera pans down to the top of a piano where an ashtray with a lit cigarette burns and a brandy sifter is filled with coins. The camera pans over to a Singing Witch who turns around to reveal a microphone in her hand. The Singing Witch starts to sing "I’ve Never Been To Me" by Nancy Wilson.

The bar is filled with various Fairy-tale Villains. Two pirates sit forlornly with their mugs. The Puppet Master takes a drink out of a beer mug. He is surrounded by a bunch of empty beer mugs.

Prince Charming enters the bar.

A group is gathered around Cyclops riding a medieval mechanical bull, hooting and hollering. The bull stops and the Villains turn to look at Prince Charming.

Prince Charming hangs his cape on a tree branch. The camera adjusts right to reveal the branch is actually one of the Evil Trees, who flings the cape to the floor. Everyone takes notice as Prince Charming walks through. Little Red Riding Hood is sitting on a pile of books at a table. Evil Dwarves glare in Prince Charming’s direction. Prince Charming walks by a pair of witches (one is the Evil Queen from Snow White) playing pool. The Evil Queen scratches when she sees him and the pool ball goes flying into the Headless Horseman’s neck. Prince Charming walks by the singing witch. He reaches the bar, pulls out a handkerchief, places it over the bar stool, and sits.

Prince Charming spots the bartender with her back to him. He clears his throat.

PRINCE CHARMING What does a Prince have to do to get a drink around here?

Mabel, the other ugly stepsister, rises up in front a poster with a smiling beer wench.

PRINCE CHARMING Ah Mabel, why they call you an ugly stepsister I’ll never know.

He winks at her. She glares at him.

PRINCE CHARMING Where’s Doris, taking the night off? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 20.

MABEL She’s not welcome here and neither are you.

She spits into the mug and wipes it with a towel.

MABEL (CONT’D) What do you want, Charming?

PRINCE CHARMING Oh not much, just a chance at redemption… (LAUGHS) And a Fuzzy Navel.

Prince Charming stands up and turns to the bar patrons.

PRINCE CHARMING And Fuzzy Navels for all my friends!

Captain Hook rips his hook across the piano keys. The singing witch bares her teeth. The witches break their pool cues. The Puppet Master breaks his beer mug.

CAPTAIN HOOK We’re not your friends.

Prince Charming grows nervous.

The Villains all approach Prince Charming.

From behind the bar, Mabel grabs Prince Charming by his shoulders and pins him on top of the bar.

PRINCE CHARMING Ahh!

Captain Hook places his hook against Prince Charming’s neck.

CAPTAIN HOOK You don’t belong here.

PRINCE CHARMING You’re right; oh, I mean you’re absolutely right, but I mean, do any of us?

CYCLOPS Do a number on his face! Thomas: Gordon Returns - Final Screening Script 21.

PRINCE CHARMING No, no, wait, wait, wait! We are more alike than you think.

Prince Charming turns to the Evil Queen.

PRINCE CHARMING Wicked Witch. The Seven Dwarves saved Snow White and then what happened?

EVIL QUEEN Oh, what’s it to you?

PRINCE CHARMING They left you the un-fairest of them all. And now here you are, hustling pool to get your next meal. How does that feel?

EVIL QUEEN Pretty unfair.

Prince Charming begins to work the crowd.

PRINCE CHARMING And you? Your star puppet abandons the show to go and find his father.

PUPPET MASTER I hate that little wooden puppet.

Prince Charming turns to Captain Hook.

PRINCE CHARMING And Hook…

Prince Charming looks down at the hook.

PRINCE CHARMING (CONT’D) … Need I say more?

Captain Hook backs off, feeling insecure about his appendage.

PRINCE CHARMING And you! Frumpypigskin.

RUMPLESTILTSKIN: Rumplestiltskin.

PRINCE CHARMING: Where’s that first-born you were promised, hey?

Rumplestiltskin caresses a pacifier tattoo on his forearm.

Prince Charming gains more confidence as he confronts Mabel.

PRINCE CHARMING Mabel, remember how you couldn’t get your little fat foot into that tiny glass slipper?

Mabel sighs.

PRINCE CHARMING Cinderella is in Far Far Away right now, eating Bon Bons, cavorting with every little last Fairy-tale Creature that has ever done you wrong.

Prince Charming now has everyone’s attention.

PRINCE CHARMING Once upon a time, someone decided that we were the losers. But there are two sides to every story. And our side has not been told.

The crowd listens, rapt.

PRINCE CHARMING: So who will join me? Who wants to come out on top for once? Who wants their happily ever after?!

The crowd of villains cheer and starts getting rowdy. A bar room brawl ensues. Prince Charming looks on, shocked. He ducks out of the way of a flying liquor bottle. He smiles nervously and lifts his fruity, Fuzzy Navel to drink.

Later on the dock, Thomas, Percy, James and Henry prepare to leave.

SIR TOPHAM HATT: Are you sure about this? You could just stay here and be king.

THOMAS: Trust me. Neville will make a great king. We've been little boys together. We used to play together and give each other pwesents.

SIR TOPHAM HATT: Well, Okay. I suppose. oh, Thomas I have one last thing to tell you. I'm turning the shed into an orphanage.

THOMAS: Oh, nice. Wait, what?

Thomas is shocked by the sudden news. Later on the boat, he is still thinking about it.